Leila was my friend’s wife , of course she was fat , I come back to my fetish again , my mother is very fat , may be I inherit my father’s fetish for fat women . I think every son is his father’s image , if your father loves particular kind of food , you are bound to inherit it . I have different measures from these of other people , I want to go to psychiatrist to be cured from this fetish , I’m ashamed to tell my friends about this . My heart asks me if I forget Fathia , I didn’t , in fact I love Fathia and love Leila. How could I love two women in the same time , I don’t know , man is mysterious , nobody can know the nature of man .
I always dream of Leila , may be it is difficult to have her , may be , my conscience pricks me :” it’s your friend’s wife” . I dream of the death of my friend and marry her , to have her between my arms , I know , I can’t get my arms round her because she is fatter than the round of my arms , white than more white can be , I tried hard to drive her image away from my imagination , but I couldn’t , all I can do is to dream of her , I won’t do anything but to look at her : to sleep with her is to be bored with her , so , I won’t be bored with her , but to imagine to sleep with her and squeeze my fingers in butter is non- stop daydreams . I’m very weak before her .
Once I went to visit my friend at home , of course I saw her , the diameter of her arm is as much as her leg, about 30 centimeter . It’s terror , agony , libido, pleasure and anguish , I can’t express my feelings . to her and my friend , I speak common , usual words .
- how are you ? I said
- fine .
- how are things going ?
- fine .
something like that , but my mind is in somewhere else , imaging her nude in bed .
- shall I bring you some tea ?
- yes , please .
when she stands up and walks, I’m sorry for my eyes , they are sinful , I don’t want to look at her back , but my eyes are fixed , I can’t move my eyes to look at somewhere else , but I can’t . I want to succeed in controlling myself . She brought three cups of tea on a tray , She was walking in front of me , she was smiling and welcoming me . I don’t approve of what I think of her , if she accepts to meet me on the café along the Nile , the same place of Fathia , but Fathia’s love was struggling within my heart , I shouldn’t dream of Leila and should be devoted to Fathia ; she was there with you in hard times , she fed you her body and self and spent amazing nights with her and still you do . No; I can’t be devoted to one . Man is many things , he is changing all the time. man is not the same in two seconds . I can love Fathia and love Leila . I can sit with Fathia on the Nile café and sit with Leila the next day .
But , how I could sit with Leila, , she can’t be mine and my friend’s in the same time . Does she really love me or think of me ? I never can tell . can man love woman from one side only . If man love s a woman , or wants her , does that mean she also wants him . I imagine my friend sleeping with her , I feel jealous , does that mean I love her ? or is it that I only want to sleep with her ? is it to love her means to sleep with her as well ?
“Hysterica passio “, so many questions in my mind without satisfactory answers .she is a woman of principles, she loves her two daughters , how I love a woman like that , how many times I dreamt I spoke with her and asked if she loves me , I was scared of the answer.
- do you go to your father and mother in Shobra I asked to break the ice .
- yes , I do .
People who live in Shobra are different , it used to be the place of high rank people , it was full of villas full of trees and flowers , the people there are decent, polite and well behaved , even the popular districts there , are better than the places like Ein Shams or Matariya . most great writers and actors , football players , Pashas and great businessmen came out from Shobra . the residents in Nasr City have a lot of money but , they have no authenticity whatsoever , in short , people from Shobra , you can trust them , you can deal with them , they are the real Egyptians , they have civilization and history behind , most of the Egyptians now have no morals ; fanatic , ignorant, you can’t trust them , they deceive the customers , they don’t like each other , they respect only the businessmen , those who stole a lot of money from the banks in form of loans.
This is because the effect of crowdness, you can’t buy a flat , you can’t find a job , you can’t find security or respect , you can’t find any sort of culture . the films are bad , the songs are discarded , the operas are boring there are no writers if they are any , they are ignorant and they are not tolerant , they don’t give a chance to the youth ,
- I know you like American films said I to Leila, we were silent.
- yes, they are better than Egyptian ones .
- Why ?.
- because American films are so real that you think , one is living in them , the actors are good , the script is fantastic , the music , the directors , you think they studied every thing well .
- I think , said I , the American films are made to let people forget their worries , to forget the real life , they are substitute to Heavens, they say to people “don’t expect the other life to be different from this “.
- no , not to that extent , she has a great faith , she said , they give romantic stories for the people who are deprived from romantic ones , one should have a romance once at least in a lifetime .
- did you have a romantic story before marriage ?
- no I married traditionally .
- do you love your husband ?
- yes, one should do.
- why ?
- because a wife should love her husband , that is all .
- can’t she love another man ?
- may be , she said this while she was embarrassed and blushed .
- do you have feelings ? I asked
- yes , one must have .
- why should I find your eyes tearful when I speak with you ?
- I don’t know , said she looking at the chandelier hung in the ceiling
- I want to tell you a problem . she looked straight at my eyes ,
- The problem of the Middle East .she was smiling to cover her embarrassment .
- I think I love you.
- you must love me as your sister .
- you aren’t my sister , and I want to hold your hands , I want to hug you . I only slept two hours at night yesterday .
- there is someone who never slept at all
- I want to see you outdoors .
- no , I can’t I never did anything like this before .
I squeezed her hands gently , she never went crazy , she was silent , looking at me tearfully , I said :
- I think I should be going
- O k . see you .
I can’t believe myself , at last I freed my tongue ,I just can’t believe to ask her to see me again outdoors . after two weeks I went to see her at home , she said :
- I was so agitated that I was in a terrible condition , I’m sorry I said I don’t want to see you outside .
- on the Nile .
- yes,
- tomorrow at 5 o’clock . I told her about the Nile café I met Fathia many times . I went there at 4: 30 I didn’t sleep at all that Night . She came 5, 10 , I forgave her being late a little bit , I can excuse her every thing . I said hello , we got in the café , I said,
- why you are late ?
- I had to change my clothes they were wet of sweat because I caught a cold . my mother told me to stay in bed .
- why didn’t you stay in bed ?
- I can’t
- why ? I persist to know .
- I don’t know . She was wearing a large earrings made of silver , red shirt and a black jacket , she was white , her cheeks were blushing , large grayish , greenish eyes and white perfect teeth . she said :
- why are you looking so much at me ?
- I intend to do nothing but to look at you.
- why ? she asked , smiling charmingly .
- because words are meaningless , only feelings are true but when they turned into words , they won’t be true .
- that is psychology .
- no,
- I’m a mother , why do you love such one ?
- I can’t tell . please don’t talk , just keep silent .
- what will you do ?
- I’ll draw you in my mind , I want to curve you in my sick imagination .
- do you love another woman ?
- yes , I do
- do you love me too?
Yes,
- why ?
- because nobody can do but to love you . I think all your neighbors love you .your next door , the porter , the greengrocer , the grocer and the butcher love you .
- how came you know ?
- I just know – that what it should be .
- I should go . we stayed two hours.
- no , two minutes
- whatever .
- you’ll sing ‘
- ha ha , no, don’t forget I’m a wife and a mother .
- and a lover said I
- don’t say that?
- why ?
- because you just shouldn’t .
- when will I see you again ?
- call me tomorrow .
- tomorrow o k
- did you finish your orange juice ? she asked
- No I didn’t
- why ?
- I drank your breath ?
- what a liar ?
- I’m not a liar
- I drank mine , it was good .
- bon appetit
- thanks .
- good bye
- good bye .
I went back home walking on foot for two hours . I never felt the time , time passed on me and I didn’t feel it . My mother was waiting for me , she told me the dinner was ready . she told me she dreamt seeing me sitting in a garden with a woman , my mother has some telepathy , she can smell me ,she knows I’m coming by the sense of smell. when I was abroad and coming back home , like Jacob , he could smell the scent of his Joseph whom he didn’t see for forty years . I tell my mother everything . My mother is my best friend , I owed her my education , she was my teacher , she sold her gold bracelet to pay the fees of private prep school . My mother loves me so much since I was her elder son, she gave birth to me after twelve years of her marriage ,so I was so spoilt when I was eleven years old I went to my cousin’s be room at night. I slept behind her , she was twenty years old and would be wedded after a while. I was caught , my aunt summoned my mother to tell her about her son , she never blamed me , she said I was a young boy. . I have 3 aunts two of them had 6 daughters and four sons , Podour , Rasmia and Fakhria. , Rasmia had only one daughter who I slept behind her , I didn’t leave the other daughters of Podour and Fakhria as well , My uncle had two daughters , we were living in the same apartment , I was surrounded by all sorts of grown up girls . My mother always solves my problems , She prepares my breakfast , my lunch and my dinner ,she washes my clothes and prepares my bath , I was treated like a prince . she asked me ,
- when are you going to marry and forget about Fathia and Leila ?
- I don’t know . may be when I forget them . when I love a third one
- what will she be ?
- what do you suggest ?
– I don’t know .
- oh mother , I’m so tired ,I’ll go to bed .
- good night
- good night .
The next day in the evening at 6 o’clock , Fathia called me she told me to come to her at once at El Moez street , I went there , we sat on at restaurant called Talaweth ( pollution ) to have some sandwiches , she said to me,
- I have no appetite , I’m very sad , she burst into tears .
- what is wrong with you ?
- Don’t you know that my ten years old son has been kidnapped at the railway station ?
- what makes your son go to the stations of the trains ?
- he ran away , he met some bad boys , they taught him how to beg , he became a beggar , he got on the roof of the train and traveled to Tanta , or Alexandria .
- and then what else?
- there is a monster collects small boys and teach them to steal things and to beg , if they refuse , he rapes them , he might kill them too , oh, my son, where are you now?
- that is horrible , unbelievable , how could that come about ?
- the government doesn’t care about homeless children.
- I’m told that the Spanish government took a child from his mother because she made him burn his hands , she wasn’t able to bring up her child properly.
- do we have something like that in Egypt ? she was crying .
- no , of course
She lamented her child , she was gloomy and speechless . I bought her some more sandwiches and a packet of cigarette , two kilos of oranges and two kilos of bananas . I accompanied her to where she lives , it was on the ground floor .
- where is your husband ?
- he passed away , I’m lonely ,besides I’m sad because I lost my son and I don’t know where the three others are , some times they come back , sometimes they go away for months .
- oh Karakippo , cheer up , take a shower and put on that black night gown . she nodded and went to the bathroom .she dressed the black night gown , she was white , the gown marked every curves of her bountiful body , she let down her black hair on her alabaster shoulders . I switched on the play recorder , some music for belly dancing , I asked her to dance , she said she didn’t feel like dancing, but I begged her to dance , I want to get her out of that gloomy atmosphere , I convinced her cunningly , what is gone is gone , let the lives for the lives , she is only surviving , she doesn’t know what will happen next , she never knows her luck , and sadness brings sadness and fun brings fun , so let’s have fun and enjoy ourselves , I was hot and watering , I pierced my sharp teeth on the rounded white large arms and I touched every piece of her body . I asked her to be nude absolutely and dance in that condition , she agreed seducingly , she kept dancing for long . I know she wanted to forget her son , the other children , her dead husband and her humiliating job . I was motionless , looking at her affluencing body , she was tall, had wide eyes , and rich rosy mouth . this is the most beautiful portrait I’ve ever seen . if I were a painter , I would paint her and memorise the beauty incarnation , she jumped over me , I was breathless and she was wild, I didn’t know how many times I slept with her , I didn’t feel the time , I deceive myself when I say I want to condole her , of course I’m weak before her , sometimes when I was sleeping with her , imagining I ‘m sleeping , with Leila. I know Leila won’t let me sleep with her , up till know she loves me in a romantic way. How I think of Leila when I’m with Fathia , and how I think of Fathia when I’m with Leila . when I’m with Fathia I love Fathia , and when I’m with Leila I love Leila ,
Leila is a woman in love , I don’t know why I love both of them , may be it’s my fetish , may be because I feel stronger , she makes me a man , no I love Fathia she deserves my love , she is many women . I love to look at her as well as I love to look at Leila , once I said to her,
- I want to sleep with you .
- you can’t said Leila . I know you sleep with other women , but I don’t care .
- But I want you . I think you don’t love me enough .
- aren’t you considering my situation ? I speak with many people , I go to my papa and mama , I go to my brothers and sisters , I sat with my husband , but I’m thinking of you , I leave all these people and come to see you , what else can I do for you ? aren’t you satisfied with this ?
- I want your soul .
- you already have it , don’t you see that I go on quarreling with myself , and my conscience , my what is right and what is wrong just to meet you .
- May be I’m your lover you imagine to have .
- May be you are my husband I want to marry .
- How ?
- my husband is from a world different to mine , but, you, know how to stir my feelings , my imagination , you give me little things your lighter , your handkerchief , the cover of a bar of chocolate you gave me on my birthday, you give me your poems , you asked me to buy you a shirt .
- yes , I remember that .
- I kept all these for myself , to remind me by .
She was wearing a turquoise blouse , she has a dimple in her chin , you can never define the color of her eyes , it depends on the time . her complexion is touchable and so sensitive that it tans in the shadow of the sun .
Once we went to the pyramids , we sat on a corner just away from the sun , nevertheless , she got suntanned . we quarreled together , may be because I told her she was arrogant and selfish, she was very upset , she pitied herself and told me she won’t see me again . I was shocked . I thought I could do without her , I would go to Fathia , she can replace her . , three days passed without seeing her ,
I don’t know why I went to the supermarket she used to go. I was fortunate enough to see her carrying a metal basket full of articles , I said,
- Salam .
- Salam .
she looked at me , she was silent for a while .
- I swore not to talk to you again , I bought you some pieces of cloth you asked me the other day and the perfume you like , some cigarette you like .
- reunion is sweet and reconciliation is better than adversity .
- shall we stand forever , people may talk , call me any time .
- will you think of me ?
- always .
I came back home . I found my mother preparing dinner .
- shall I bring something to eat ?
- no , I’m not hungry , I ate some sandwiches.
- what are you going to do , Abba ? my mother nicknames me , my name is Abdo, my little sisters couldn’t pronounce my name properly. like caca , the Brazilian player –his little brother couldn’t pronounce his name .
- I will watch TV ; to know what is going on the world , I said .
- I can tell you the news myself , some bodies are killing some bodies , the Palestinians are killing each others , the Iraqi are killing each other , the Lebanese are killing each other , the Sudanese and the Somalese are doing the same thing , they are never sick of blood, besides, I don’t know why the Sunnis in Iraq kill the Shiite , what is the difference between them ?
- oh um Abdo , it is a long story
- I want to know , just to understand the news
- look, mother , you know , we Egyptians are Sunnis as well as Saudi Arabia , Yemen , Jordon , Sudan , Somalia , Libya, Tunisia Algeria , Morocco , there are Shiite in Syria , they are Alawite , in Kuwait , Emirates ,Qatar , Bahrain , those sypathise with Iran; the Shiite in short , Iran wants to control all the Arab world , they want to restore their Persian empire again , so they help Syria , Hezbollah and Hamas. Egypt is the hindrance , if they make Egypt weak , they would get all the gulf countries , Iraq, Syria and Lebanon .
- will they fight with Israel? , mother asked .
- no they won’t , they never fire a bullet inside Israel , may be there is unseen treatment between them .
- but why Israel always complains of Iran ?
- because Iran wants to make a nuclear bomb .
- what is a nuclear bomb ?
- a bomb that causes a lot of causalities , if any country owns it , other countries will be afraid of them and they will be respected .
- why the Israeli not let Iran make one ?
- because the Israeli don’t trust the Iranians .
- but the Israeli have nuclear bombs
- yes, they have , they never use it , may be they are wise people .
- if they were wise they wouldn’t kill the Palestinians in Gaza
- because Hamas who rule Gaza launch primitive missiles on Israel
- why Hamas do that ?
- because their country is occupied and they have the right to resist the foreign occupation , but Hamas can’t merchandise this information to the whole world , on the contrary , Israel can deceive the world through claiming that how they can live in a place where Hamas bombing them ?
- so Hamas’ media is not as good as Israeli’s.
- yes . Good night mama,
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